I can't sleep. Insomnia is killing me.

Why.

I can't answer it explicitly as i wouldn't be able to justify matters the way they should be. However, i will try.

I shouldn't be blogging all these down because it will hurt the one i loved most but i see no other way for me to release that inner agony. It's ripping me apart, inside out. Like a worm eating out of an apple.

You did the right thing by pushing her away. But the thought of a women i have never met that almost came into our lives irks me. I hate her even before i met her. I doubt i ever want to meet her. EVER.

I don't blame you for anything at all. The impact was great because i wasn't given any warning whatsoever before i was presented with a platter of information. Unexpected. I know you will see all these, please bear with me if you want to continue reading it, ignore my emotions that will affect yours. If not, i rather you not see. PLEASE.

---
I can feel the soft rhythm of my heartbeat pounding harder and harder each time i thought of how easily something so precious can be taken away from my life.

Uneasy. Unsettled.

I barely have anything left in my life that i can claimed ownership on. A lot of people viewed me as a mess, big mess. Putting it crudely- Broken Family, Being homeless, Losing a job, Struggling with Degree, Almost Broke, Getting almost absolutely nothing. That's not what i asked for but i got all of them eventually.

Am i entitled to feel a least bit of insecurity?

Being a worrywart isn't helping either. Carrying thoughts of worries around is like a 20kg rice sack on your back every moment. Others can say "Stop worrying", but frankly speaking, how many of us really do stop worrying? It's nice to hear comforting words that warmed the heart, Thank you, but it's harder for them to be shaped in forms of action.

Being a crybaby isn't helping either. Every time something goes wrong or when emotions starts running wild, my pillow became 'shoulder to pour on'. I have lost counts of how many times my pillow has been re-wet but draining out my emotions and physical strength through tears seems like a good way to keep me going literally or not going since i am all knocked out.

So how will one feel when the last thing that was absolutely hers almost slipped through her fingers?

Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear.

She made me realise how scared i was when i heard the whole story. I can make it as light-hearted as i want it to be but can i deceive that deeper, darker side of me?

Don't be mistaken, i have 101% faith in the one i love. It's me that i am afraid of.

I want to scream out loud, i want to tear this women apart for screwing with my insecurities, i want to cry till my pillow's all damp for being weak.

I feel stupid, ugly, useless like a piece of shit.

The constant rambling of the voice in my head on how she might have looked, how skinny she might have been, how smart she have got, how she deploy plans to hook her baits etc etc etc are already driving me insane. I want to stop that voice but i can't.

That's how bad i am stabbed by my darker side.

That is how i understand why some people can be admitted to a mental institute because these voices are tormenting.

I hate my darker side. I hate insecurities. I hate not being able to feel weak and let go totally once in a wild. I hate not being able to go wild and do something drastic.

Well, as much as i can write, no one knows me better then i do.

As much as i hate my darker side, i wouldn't be able to get rid of it for a long time or even forever as it has sunk it's roots so deep within me.

I would have to live with it and go through that vicious cycle.

Let me do the usual, sealed up the evil one once again and I'll be up and running when the dawn breaks.

There is a reason why i am not being sent into a MI and yet the other crazy ones have. They don't know how to lock up their demons, I do.

I can't sleep. Insomnia is killing me.

Why.

I can't answer it explicitly as i wouldn't be able to justify matters the way they should be. However, i will try.

I shouldn't be blogging all these down because it will hurt the one i loved most but i see no other way for me to release that inner agony. It's ripping me apart, inside out. Like a worm eating out of an apple.

You did the right thing by pushing her away. But the thought of a women i have never met that almost came into our lives irks me. I hate her even before i met her. I doubt i ever want to meet her. EVER.

I don't blame you for anything at all. The impact was great because i wasn't given any warning whatsoever before i was presented with a platter of information. Unexpected. I know you will see all these, please bear with me if you want to continue reading it, ignore my emotions that will affect yours. If not, i rather you not see. PLEASE.

---
I can feel the soft rhythm of my heartbeat pounding harder and harder each time i thought of how easily something so precious can be taken away from my life.

Uneasy. Unsettled.

I barely have anything left in my life that i can claimed ownership on. A lot of people viewed me as a mess, big mess. Putting it crudely- Broken Family, Being homeless, Losing a job, Struggling with Degree, Almost Broke, Getting almost absolutely nothing. That's not what i asked for but i got all of them eventually.

Am i entitled to feel a least bit of insecurity?

Being a worrywart isn't helping either. Carrying thoughts of worries around is like a 20kg rice sack on your back every moment. Others can say "Stop worrying", but frankly speaking, how many of us really do stop worrying? It's nice to hear comforting words that warmed the heart, Thank you, but it's harder for them to be shaped in forms of action.

Being a crybaby isn't helping either. Every time something goes wrong or when emotions starts running wild, my pillow became 'shoulder to pour on'. I have lost counts of how many times my pillow has been re-wet but draining out my emotions and physical strength through tears seems like a good way to keep me going literally or not going since i am all knocked out.

So how will one feel when the last thing that was absolutely hers almost slipped through her fingers?

Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear.

She made me realise how scared i was when i heard the whole story. I can make it as light-hearted as i want it to be but can i deceive that deeper, darker side of me?

Don't be mistaken, i have 101% faith in the one i love. It's me that i am afraid of.

I want to scream out loud, i want to tear this women apart for screwing with my insecurities, i want to cry till my pillow's all damp for being weak.

I feel stupid, ugly, useless like a piece of shit.

The constant rambling of the voice in my head on how she might have looked, how skinny she might have been, how smart she have got, how she deploy plans to hook her baits etc etc etc are already driving me insane. I want to stop that voice but i can't.

That's how bad i am stabbed by my darker side.

That is how i understand why some people can be admitted to a mental institute because these voices are tormenting.

I hate my darker side. I hate insecurities. I hate not being able to feel weak and let go totally once in a wild. I hate not being able to go wild and do something drastic.

Well, as much as i can write, no one knows me better then i do.

As much as i hate my darker side, i wouldn't be able to get rid of it for a long time or even forever as it has sunk it's roots so deep within me.

I would have to live with it and go through that vicious cycle.

Let me do the usual, sealed up the evil one once again and I'll be up and running when the dawn breaks.

There is a reason why i am not being sent into a MI and yet the other crazy ones have. They don't know how to lock up their demons, I do.

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